Flash Fiction - The Stoner and the Coupon Lady

The usual Saturday afternoon crowd bustled through the grocery store. A man staring blankly at the Chef Boyardee cans he was stocking pondered the mascot's existence. On a previous Saturday, he had wondered the same thing about Mr. Clean, but came to the conclusion that he was supposed to be a genie and therefore could not have been a real person. He only really had such philosophical moments when he would get lit, which was pretty much a continuous cycle. An aged woman whose skin was the color of wet tissue paper and probably shared the same consistency, slowly shuffled down the aisle. She pushed her cart toward the young man expectantly. Not making a sound, she stood with a look of disgust as the man divvied no attention from his ravioli can.
"Where's the cranberry juice?" She asked forcefully. The young man turned slowly and looking past the woman, did not notice her irritated glare. He then went back to his self discussion about the chef.
"Where's the cranberry juice?" She repeated angrily. This time, the man looked her straight in the eyes. Though he heard exactly what she said, he couldn't help the word "what?" from escaping his mouth. The woman's face fought turning red as best as her transparent skin would allow.
"Oh, um aisle..." he trailed off as his tried his best to recall which aisle he was on and count the number of aisles over her precious juice was on.
"Don't you know where it is?" she asked.
"Six." he said. The old woman kept her glare on him, as if she was waiting for him to finish his sentence with the proper address of "Ma'am." She waited for several seconds before she justified a poor upbringing as the reason she wasn't given the respect she thought she deserved. It never occurred to her that maybe if she could treat another human being with respect, it might just be returned to her. In fact, as she began to push her cart away, the man had a few names for her, and none of them sounded much like "Ma'am."

Fall For You Sheet Music

Okay, so a lot of you have messaged me on youtube for the sheet music to Secondhand Serenade's "Fall For You." This is an excellent song which many people have asked for so they can play it for their boyfriend/girlfriend. Well, I've finally gotten the motivation to post a better link to it. I had it on my Geocities site, but it was getting so much traffic that many times the site would shut down because of surpassed data limits. So now I am posting it here. *Note: This is NOT THE FULL SONG, but it is the intro and part of the end. I think if you listen closely enough, you will be able to tell where it comes in. Enjoy!

Quotes on Love #1

Making out is something you only do for the first 3 months of dating. After that you fist fight.

Fortune Cookie for the Day - #1

I'm thinking of starting a segment that will feature a different fortune everyday (or mostly everyday). Many people get a kick out of reading fortune cookies, so I thought it would be cool to gather my fortunes and write a little about each of them. I already have a collection of them, but when I run out, I might start writing my own fortunes. So on with the first fortune:

"In the near future, you will discover how fortunate you are."

This statement might seem a little redundant considering it is a "fortune" from a "fortune cookie" which speaks about "being fortunate," but I think it is important to stand back every now and then and look at the big picture. Life sucks. Plain and simple. But one can take comfort in the thought that it is always worse for someone else. Somewhere down the road, someone has it worst of all, and I would really hate to be in that person's shoes, but the thought makes me feel a little better about my position. I've had my fair share of mishaps, misfortunes, mistakes or whatever you want to call them, but at some point, things have to start looking up. And if you think you're at that point and things still look gloomy, laugh.

Those who know me know that recently I've been at my wit's end in frustration with an automobile nightmare. In June 2008, I purchased a 1988 Mercury Cougar after my 1991 Chevorlet Astro (Van) finally kicked the bucket after a respectable 280,XXX miles. I was in desperate need of transportation and was forced to settle for a "nearly perfect" car. Apparently the man I bought the Cougar from had a very different viewpoint of the span between "nearly perfect" and just regular old "perfect" than I did. My first hint was the transmission going out with a month of buying the car. $1,500 to fix it. I was off to a great start.

It was a constant struggle to keep the car running. Some might remember an episode of "Malcolm in the Middle" from Season 6 titled "Malcolm's Car." The episode was about Malcolm's struggles with a Plymouth Barracuda. Everytime he would repair something on the car, something else would mysteriously break or fall off, almost as if the car is alive and toying with him. After abandoning his family and friends for the car, Malcolm discovers his addiction to the teasing Barracuda and the episode ends with the car nearly killing him.

I have been in this struggle for the past 9 months. I gave up the battle with the Cougar and devoted my attention to a much sexier project, a 1969 Ford Mustang. While yes, this car is considered a classic and I get many compliments on it, I still can't help getting frustrated with the same never ending battle Malcolm fought. I just pray that I don't break a door handle off while working inside the running car in a poorly ventilated area.

In the last 2 months, I've replaced:
Upper radiator hose
Lower radiator hose
Thermostat
Air Filter
Fuel Filter
Alternator
Battery
Carborator (work in progress)
Fuel Pump
(Water Pump and Fan Belts may need to be replaced soon)

So far I have spent almost $300 to replace all of these parts.

My point is: no matter how bad things get, even if they go from one bad thing to the next, they will get better. You have to laugh at the bad stuff to keep you from going crazy. I did my fair share of laughing to fight away tears between the Cougar and the Mustang. My mechanic has taught me a few things.

1. Laugh in the face of danger - He showed me first hand when my Carborator attacked him and the first words out of his mouth were (with a smile) "Did you see that fire ball in my face?"

2. Everyday is an adventure. Nearly every time we take the Mustang out on a trip, it breaks down. You take the good with the bad and really learn to laugh through the pain.

3. Always bring a back up. We both rode in the Mustang once and got stranded 60 miles away from home. My advice, let your friend drive another vehicle if you aren't confident in your own. That way you at least can get home.

I'm still waiting to discover how fortunate I really am, but I know from experience, I'm much better off than I had thought.

German Anyone?

In an effort to improve my German skills (or lack thereof), I completed an assignment for my German class. We were to tell the story of Cinderella, or Aschenputtel in German. Here is my attempt...if you speak German, feel free to comment and correct any errors. I have not studied the language for quite a while so I'm sure there are plenty of errors in this piece:


*Note - as mentioned before, this piece is written in German...therefore, if you have no experience in German, it probably would do you no good to read this.


Es war einmal dass Aschenputtels Eltern starben. Zuerst starb ihre Mutter, dann ihr Vater. Nachdem ihre Mutter starb, heiratete ihr Vater eine andere Frau. Ihre Stiefmutter hatte zwei Töchter. Aschenputtel wurde erzwungen, für sie zu kochen und zu säubern pützen. Sie wollte zu einem Tanz gehen, aber Sie es wurde ihr verboten. Eine Nacht, kam ihre feenhafte Gotmutter ihren Wunsch bewilligen zu erfüllen. Sie gab Aschenputtel ein schönes Kleid und einen Wagen. Sie ging zum Tanz, aber musste durch Mitternacht Haupt sein, oder die Magie würde weg verblassen. Sie tanzte mit dem Prinzen bis Mitternacht. Aschenputtel verließ in einer Eile und verlor eine FerseSchuhe. Der Prinz fand sie und suchte nach dem Inhaber. Er fand sie und brachte es zurück. Sie heirateten und lebten glücklich überhaupt nachher.

You Might Live Adjacent To a Redneck If:

An article like this reaches the front page news. *Note - I have not edited this article. It is written exactly as it was written in the local newspaper.

Cheeseburger dispute leads to assault charge
By George Jared
Bulletin Staff Writer

SALEM - Next time she may want to order him chicken strips instead.
A dispute between a Viola man and his daughter-in-law over a cheeseburger Nov. 23 led to an alleged felony assault.
Richard T. Gordon, 57, was charged Monday with one felony count of aggravated assault and misdemeanor public intoxication.
Fulton County Sheriff Walter Dillinger said Gordon threw a knife at his daughter-in-law inside the Fun Days game room in Viola.
"I guess she ordered him a cheeseburger, and it made him mad and he threw a knife at her," said Dillinger.
"The knife closed up in midair, or else it might have done some serious damage to her," Dillinger said.

Song Lyrics # 1

Periodically, I will post short excerpts of song lyrics I've written. I don't believe any of them are any good, but I firmly believe that the more you write, the better you get. So in an attempt to someday write lyrics I can be proud of, I am posting my lesser successful lyrics here.

How was I supposed to fix this
When loving me was just business
You'll never love again,
but when you're ready someone will find you
Well you don't like where we stand.
Cause now I've got the upperhand